It was one of those things that I didn’t know I would miss until I was running away…or maybe I was walking slowly with my eyes already on what was next. I don’t know…I just know I’m left with this feeling of emptiness where you were.
You consumed me inside and out, tormented me with the idea of what you might think of me, and pushed me to be more than I was. I came to you a little afraid and ashamed to show it, daunted by what lay before me, afraid of what you might ask me to do…afraid because I might fail you. You who had accomplished so much, humbled yourself to seem impressed…impressed at ME. What could I possibly have to offer you?
Instead of failure, we spoke in a harmony that hardly seemed possible. I questioned over and over if this could possibly be real. I must have been lucky. I must be so caught up in the experience that I am kidding myself as to how euphoric this was to me. I was captured by every expression, every smile, every unplanned word. My fascination drew me into the web that you had spun and did whatever you asked. My exhaustion nearly disappeared when I was with you, my tears forgotten. When you were down, I felt your pain and momentary disappearance from the life we had created…and when you were happy I could only smile in wonder.
But how you made me angry at you…not realizing that I was breathing for you. Not seeing my exhaustion, ignoring my needs, oblivious to anything but the moment. So caught up that at times I wasn’t sure you really saw me…but who I represented to you. And how I loved being angry with you all the same. I knew you cared. I did. It’s just that I wanted more…as much as I was giving you.
Then it was over. Barely a hug, a quick pat, a wave and a whisper of a goodbye and all that had consumed me was gone. I heard the promises to keep in touch, to stay friends. But my heart told me you would move on to others, feel those exact same things, say those same words, and walk away all the same. I wondered if you would hold me in a special place in your heart? Was I kidding myself to think this had been something special, simply because it had been special to me? I’ll admit…I’m jealous to think that soon, despite your promises, I will be nothing more than a name in your page. A vague face who did not change your life as you did mine. You were my first…perhaps that is why I will always remember. And perhaps why you will not remember me.
Now that it’s over, I wish I would have stood up and screamed my existance so that you would never forget it. I wish I would have made every minute count, taken too many pictures, found a camcorder, and raised hell just to see that frustration that showed me you cared. I wish I would have shone better so that every one you go to after me will remind you of what had been.
I would have lingered instead of run my friends.
I only ran because I had no idea what I was running from.